Yes! I’m expecting number four around Christmas and YES! we hoped for this baby and yes, I will probably throw up for 8 months straight as has been the norm with the other three.
I feel like I’m in a thin place, a place of between ness. My joy is along side the suffering I’ve witnessed and experienced in our friends and family this past year: struggling to conceive, or to find a partner they want to conceive with, or to hold their live baby in their arms, or to hold their live toddler in their arms. I’ve wept with the people I love, crying out why why why take this love from our midst? Why deprive us of this potential for joy? This delight? And now, why do I get to easily conceive another baby, a fourth?
Part of me wanted to wait even longer to stop using NFP to abstain from sex during my fertile times. Part of me wanted to hold out from going through my usual physically challenging pregnancies, and after my last recovery that took a full year to function normally again, that too. Part of me didn’t want to get pregnant to have to maybe lose my baby. To have to say goodbye, as my friends had.
The other part of me listened to my dear friend Laura’s pain and insane hurt and decided that I, too, could find hope in a new life for our family. If Laura can find hope in her daughters’ deaths, how am I not brave enough to be open for another baby? If you haven’t followed their journey on losing their twin girls to twin-to-twin-transfusion, please go and stay at her blog, Mothering Spirit.
If when Maggie and Abby died, their deaths mean we all lay down our fertility from fear, we miss out on the beauty of their short lives. We despair.
That thin space between the other world and ours is bitter & sad instead of one of closeness to God. A thin place where magic happens and little lives are started. Little souls infused.
The kids are thrilled! We are thrilled. This tiny tiny person inside me, almost six weeks, is already a member of our family, whether he or she lives to 90 years old, or 9 weeks. As my son said to me the other day, “I hope the baby doesn’t die, but if they do, that would be so amazing to have a saint sibling in Heaven.”
I’m so glad to be able to share in this space about our journey of growing our family. I may be not writing as much if I’m as pukey as usual. But will probably still be overgramming on instagram and conversing up a storm on Facebook!