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Yes! I’m expecting number four around Christmas and YES! we hoped for this baby and yes, I will probably throw up for 8 months straight as has been the norm with the other three.

I feel like I’m in a thin place, a place of between ness. My joy is along side the suffering I’ve witnessed and experienced in our friends and family this past year: struggling to conceive, or to find a partner they want to conceive with, or to hold their live baby in their arms, or to hold their live toddler in their arms. I’ve wept with the people I love, crying out why why why take this love from our midst? Why deprive us of this potential for joy? This delight? And now, why do I get to easily conceive another baby, a fourth?

Part of me wanted to wait even longer to stop using NFP to abstain from sex during my fertile times. Part of me wanted to hold out from going through my usual physically challenging pregnancies, and after my last recovery that took a full year to function normally again, that too. Part of me didn’t want to get pregnant to have to maybe lose my baby. To have to say goodbye, as my friends had.

The other part of me listened to my dear friend Laura’s pain and insane hurt and decided that I, too, could find hope in a new life for our family. If Laura can find hope in her daughters’ deaths, how am I not brave enough to be open for another baby? If you haven’t followed their journey on losing their twin girls to twin-to-twin-transfusion, please go and stay at her blog, Mothering Spirit.

If when Maggie and Abby died, their deaths mean we all lay down our fertility from fear, we miss out on the beauty of their short lives. We despair.

That thin space between the other world and ours is bitter & sad instead of one of closeness to God. A thin place where magic happens and little lives are started. Little souls infused.

The kids are thrilled! We are thrilled. This tiny tiny person inside me, almost six weeks, is already a member of our family, whether he or she lives to 90 years old, or 9 weeks. As my son said to me the other day, “I hope the baby doesn’t die, but if they do, that would be so amazing to have a saint sibling in Heaven.”

I’m so glad to be able to share in this space about our journey of growing our family. I may be not writing as much if I’m as pukey as usual. But will probably still be overgramming on instagram and conversing up a storm on Facebook!

 

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47 Responses to On being in the thin space: pregnancy

  1. Brigid says:

    Congratulations, Sweet Nell! You will be in my prayers, as always but especially now.

  2. Rosie says:

    So so so exciting!!! Congratulations to you all :) :) :)

  3. Laura says:

    This is gorgeous. I love your heart. God is so good. I am deeply grateful that our daughters played a part in your new baby’s story. I will forever hold that in my heart, too.

  4. Melody says:

    Congratulations, Nell! I will be offering up my upcoming labor for you and baby. This was the hardest pregnancy of my life… and worth it. Every moment worth it. Thank you for sharing your journey of love with the world. Thanks be to God!

    • Natural Mama Nell says:

      I’ll be offering up my throwing up of your labor. You’re heroic and a beautiful example to the rest of us!!

  5. Allison says:

    Congratulations!

  6. Lauren B says:

    Congratulations!!

  7. Laurel says:

    So so happy for you!! Congrats!!

  8. Patty says:

    SO exciting!! We’ll get to “meet” the wee one this September too ;-)
    Happy for you and Anthony!

  9. This is just beautiful. And so are you!!! I am just so happy for you and your family, and so happy that I got the chance to give you a “Congratulations!!!!” hug in person <3

  10. Nicole says:

    Wonderful news! Congrats!

  11. Emily says:

    Congratulations! I was wondering if this was the case when you mentioned your shop going on vacation.

    • Natural Mama Nell says:

      You’re so clever! I’m anticipating quite a stretch of throwing up and don’t want to do it on anyone’s leggings ;)

  12. Melanie Wood says:

    I have tears in my eyes. I love your heart! So happy for you! xx

  13. Erin says:

    Congratulations! We too are expecting in December. I love your description of a thin veil. We are overjoyed to have a new little one joining our family and to readily conceive at an older age, but carry fear and worry due to a miscarriage in February. Your son is a wise young man, his words brought comfort to this mama’s heart!

  14. Semonia says:

    Congratulations sweet Nell!! What a beautiful gift from God! I’m so happy for you and your family!!!

  15. Congratulations Nell!!! Ahhhhh I’m so excited for you!

  16. Emma says:

    Oh, Nell! I am so very happy for you and your growing family! Prayers for your sweet babe and for lots of graces for you all.

  17. Sara says:

    Congratulations!! Wishing all the best to you and yours.

    (And love the “overgramming” – what a great term! Copyright it quick!) ;)

  18. Erica Saint says:

    Yay! Congratulations! A Christmas baby! How fun! I am eleven weeks pregnant, due date is November 9th. :)

  19. Geena Harrington says:

    Congratulations Nell! What a lucky baby to have you as a mama!

  20. Michele says:

    Congratulations, and so many prayers for you from a fellow HG mama!!! Does your doctor/midwife offer you any kind of treatment?

    • Natural Mama Nell says:

      My poor midwives. I’ve tried everything natural and unnatural. It’s all a blur of vomit or constipation! Tell me your tricks! Thanks for the congrats, sweet friend!

  21. AnneMarie says:

    Congratulations!!!! I’m so happy for you and your growing family, and I think your son is SO COOL for grasping the gift and beauty of life and pregnancy-that even if we don’t know how long our little unborn kiddos will be with us, they are a joy! I will be praying for all of you! :)

  22. […] beautiful old house and had a wonderful time with her and her sweet kids, and we got to learn her big news when one of her littles spilled the beans for her. So much happy! She is seriously the best […]

  23. Katarina says:

    Congratulations, Nell! I am a recovering lawyer as well AND I am expecting as well, due date around Christmas :) This is my first pregnancy after my clotting disorder diagnosis (I have similar condition as Jen Fulwiler) and will be offering up for you and your baby during my shots. Love,

  24. mon says:

    Congratulations, I suffered hg for my past two pregnancies so so tough, nothing natural or other helped.
    Although, occasionally a sip of horrid coke would keep it at bay. I couldn’t believe it, but it did. I hope this fourth time it passes on by. It’s as if your allergic to.the hormones, that first meal post birth really is the best!

  25. […] that we don’t know struggle, and the ones sharing their journey with the world. I wrote about the thin space of being pregnant a few weeks […]

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