Dead giveaway. If you crane your neck to look past the baseball cards, unfolded underwear, used tape, and assortment of half-colored workbooks, and those weren’t the signal we have kids, welcome to my bathrooms.
We live in a big ole house with lots of bathrooms. Some are rarely used. Some are frequent favorites. But nearly all of them have one of these fifteen characteristics of people-with-kid-bathrooms.
1) hand towel on the ground.
It may be clean; it may be dirty. You just don’t know and don’t dare risk using it. It literally could have been anywhere. It’s also slightly damp.
2) garbage can missing.
It was loaded with unmentionables and taken out to the kitchen to be tossed with the rest of the garbage . . . last week sometime . . . and hasn’t made it back. So meanwhile, there’s a pile of used q-tips, wet-ones, and hair balls in the corner.
3) toilet paper not on roll.
It could be behind the toilet, on the back of the toilet, or set in the shower. But it’s not on the roll.
4) stool near toilet.
If you’re an adult, please, do not use the stool. It needs to be wiped down. Just kick it with your foot out of the way so you can make it to the toilet, semi-unscathed.
5) suspicious crusting near toilet paper roll holder.
Someone may have tried to wipe himself while waiting for a slow old mama to get the wet wipes to finish off a number 2 job. So anything that’s remotely crusted looking needs to be hosed down. Don’t touch it. It’s not chocolate.
6) bath toys anywhere but the bath.
Why do we buy these? Why do we let them get moldy and God forbid you have the ones that keep water inside to squirt out? I had to trash them. The questionable length of time water sits in there is . . . ugh.
7) toothpaste out, half squirted.
Two flavors in our house: strawberry or blueberry. And sometimes people want a combo. It’s like I run a dairy queen.
8) about 43 small tooth flossing thingies on the side of the sink.
Floss your kids’ teeth, they said. It will be fun for them, they said. Half the time they use them as weapons on each other and the other half, I’m toddling after them with it in my hand insisting, just let me hold your mouth still for one more second. The packaging looks more appealing to me the buyer than them the consumer.
9) nearly three dozen hair binders, but none the color your daughter wants.
Pink, or purple. God help the yellow and tan ones. Nobody likes them.
10) a diaper that was on someone, but not soiled, but still crunched up, maybe going to be used tonight.
Hey, trying not to waste here, people! These are our favs and compostable, so I don’t feel as bad when it’s not soiled but just . . . worn too well.
11) baby soap that some people ahem, me, like to use that shouldn’t so it’s always running low.
The half second the older kids are alone in the bathtub (don’t leave your kids unwatched! remember they can drown in a 1/2 inch of water), they douse themselves in it. Thanks for making such a great product, Molly. So great, it is almost too great.
12) baby towels with hoods no one uses but everyone fights over.
The baby is the only one small enough to even contemplate using these but it’s the middle two who fight like roosters over them.
13) stack of mismatched towels precariously perched, ready to be pulled asunder by a tot.
Yes, I also used to have matching towels without holes in them. Yes, I do store them in a separate drawer and only take them out for the guest bath, right, Haley? So the rest of the crew gets what they get.
14) an inset toilet seat that the toddler insistes he doesn’t need, but was probably peed on regularly for a few years, hanging out near the toilet. Close enough to smell, far enough away to look menacing.
Tell me your kid actually can get up and over his or hers and properly use it? This third potty trainer basically skipped it and has only fallen into the toilet (wet bottom only!) once.
Any tell-tale signs in your house?